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[02:13] Welcome to the Contagious Confidence Podcast
Katie Hawkes: welcome back to the Contagious Confidence Podcast. I am so pumped about this interview today. I can't wait for you to meet Valerie. I'm already obsessed with her and I know you will be too. And we're talking about one of my favorite topics. But Valerie, I would love to give you a chance to introduce yourself and say hello to my listeners.
And yeah, whatever you wanna say.
Valerie: Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I really love the show. I feel like your topics are very unique and also relevant. Like every episode I'm like, oh, I need to know that. Okay, I need to download this one. I need to listen to this one. So I just love binging your show and yeah, thank you so much for having me here.
I am Valerie and I am a Healthy Habit mentor. So what that means is I help women who are making an impact with their healthy habits, and I help them prioritize their health, their wealth, and their happiness. And I do this through what I like to call the tool. Of healthy habits. So, you know, everyone's heard of habits before, but I use them to help you create a life by design versus a life by default.
Because whether we realize it or not, habits are part of our everyday life. And when we're not intentional about the habits, the routines, the rituals that we create, we start to fall into perhaps negative patterns or maybe just mindless habits. And what that brings us to is that life by default. And so that to me, feels.
Boring. It feels challenging. It feels unfulfilling, and I think that women deserve more. I think that people deserve more, and I think that you can create, I believe that you can create a life by design. I. When you create intentional habits, rooted in feeling, when you create routines that really support your health and wellness, when you create the life that you wanna live for, not just yourself, but the people who depend on you.
And so that's in a nutshell what I do.
KH: Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I really love the show. I feel like your topics are very unique and also relevant. Like every episode I'm like, oh, I need to know that. Okay, I need to download this one. I need to listen to this one. So I just love binging your show and yeah, thank you so much for having me here.
I am Valerie and I am a Healthy Habit mentor. So what that means is I help women who are making an impact with their healthy habits, and I help them prioritize their health, their wealth, and their happiness. And I do this through what I like to call the tool. Of healthy habits. So, you know, everyone's heard of habits before, but I use them to help you create a life by design versus a life by default.
Because whether we realize it or not, habits are part of our everyday life. And when we're not intentional about the habits, the routines, the rituals that we create, we start to fall into perhaps negative patterns or maybe just mindless habits. And what that brings us to is that life by default. And so that to me, feels.
Boring. It feels challenging. It feels unfulfilling, and I think that women deserve more. I think that people deserve more, and I think that you can create, I believe that you can create a life by design. I. When you create intentional habits, rooted in feeling, when you create routines that really support your health and wellness, when you create the life that you wanna live for, not just yourself, but the people who depend on you.
And so that's in a nutshell what I do.
I love that so much. I am like, I feel like we're aligned in so many ways. Like it's, that's so important and I feel like confidence has a lot to do with. Those habits that you're creating. 'cause if you're confident and knowing who you wanna be and who you are, those habit, you'll I be able to identify those habits and really like create the life that you want because, yeah, I feel like so many people are living like their lives by default.
It's just like, okay, well I guess this is it. Like I'll just go through the motions every day and people don't strive for more 'cause they don't. Realize how much more is out there. So I love that you help women do that, and I agree that people deserve more than that. So, yeah. Oh, and speaking of habits, oh, I, one of my favorite topics is consistency.
It's so incredibly important to me and it, but at the same time, it's so hard. So today we're talking about confidence through consistency, and I feel like. It's something that I struggle with sometimes. Like I'm really good for a while and then I might fall off the wagon and just like get back into my old routine and I'm like, ah, I just wanna shake myself.
I'm like, what is wrong with me? But at the same time, it's like we've gotta learn to sell, give to ourselves, grace. 'cause sometimes things will happen. We'll get sick or we will have like a busy. Time in our lives and we just can't prioritize the things that we used to prioritize. So, ugh, I cannot wait to get into this.
[05:53] You Decide Your Future When…
And I feel like the stars have kind of aligned because I have this little desk calendar that my father-in-law got me for Christmas, and on the 26th of May, as I was like preparing for this episode and I sent you everything the quote for. The 26th of May was remember that you decide your future by deciding your habits.
Consistency is the key to success. And I'm like, I think the universe kind of knew we were having this conversation, so they, they made that my desk calendar for Friday, so. I thought that was pretty cool.
VL: That's so cool. I love those synchronicities. And what's so cool and powerful is that you are awake to those things, like you are aware when that happens.
Because the thing is is, and this is a totally different topic, so I won't go too into it, but the thing is, is that when, for example, you create a habit of awareness and intuition and noticing those types of signs, you recognize that they're everywhere all the time, whereas, You might have just gone through the motions, not thinking about it and just been like, oh yeah, that's a good quote.
Skip next day. Yeah. Oh, that's a nice quote too. But you are recognizing how it's now tied to this new relationship that you built and this new connection that we have, and yeah. That's really cool. That's very special
KH: Yeah. Yeah. Super, super neat. So I, I wanted to share that with you 'cause I thought that was pretty cool.
But yeah, you're right. When we start to notice those things and be more aware, it kind of like, it, it's kind of like, it gives me like the goosebumps kind of thinking about it. So. Yeah. Well, so without further ado, let's get into the interview questions that I have for you. So Valerie, how do you define consistency?
[07:29] Lacking Consistency: What’s Wrong with Me?
VL: I'm so glad you asked this question, and I did wanna say something about when you said consistency is hard and what's wrong with me, and straight away, nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you if you are not consistent with your new routine or your goals or whatever it is you're trying to create.
And that's really important to remember, and I feel like we'll talk about that a little bit more today when we talk about confidence. But when it comes to my own definition, definition of consistency, I feel like. A lot of people. Build this new habit or this new routine, and they think that they need to do it every single day to be consistent.
And what I like to say is that consistency doesn't have to mean every single day. It means never giving up. So for example, if you want to go to the gym every day, you don't actually go to the gym every single day. You can see the physical results of your workout routine without going to the gym every day.
In fact, when it comes to movement and working out and building muscle and, and being actually physically healthy in your body, the the right coaches will tell you that rest and recovery days are really important for those optimal results. And so if we can just take that step back, give ourselves that grace, like you said, Know that consistency means never giving up.
So maybe it's every other day, maybe it's every Wednesday or every Tuesday, or whatever that looks like for you. Consistency is really defined by what you want consistency to be. For some people, consistency is three times a day. So, for example, if I am drinking water every day, I would like to drink, let's say three liters of water every day.
Well, I can't drink three liters of water in one sitting, so I can create consistency throughout my day to drink the proper correct amount of water for me every single day. So it looks a little different every day, but there's consistency there, right? And I feel like. If you can define what consistency means for you, that's really gonna help you set the standard and, and create the, the goal.
Be more specific with it, right?
KH: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm so glad that you said that, finding out what consistency means for you. 'cause it does differ from person to person. Like, I'm like, I would struggle with consistency in one area of my life, but like one that I never lacked was going to work out. 'cause that was like important to me.
So I prioritized that and I was consistent with it. And it was very important to me to be consistent with it because I had goals and there were things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get like more upper body strength. So that's why I was able to prioritize it. And it differs from person to person.
Someone might be like, I really wanna work on my business. I really want, like I have these big goals for my business. So like every day, like setting aside 20 minutes just to focus on the business, like that's consistent. You might not be spending eight hours on the business, but just dedicating those 20 minutes every day is so important.
So it really differs from person to person and what your priorities are. So I love, love, love that. And we've kind of touched on it, but I would love for you to talk more about it. Why do you think that a lot of us struggle with consistency?
[10:50] 3 Reasons We Struggle with Consistency
VL: That’s great question because knowing why. You or whomever struggles with consistency can help us overcome the obstacle. So there are a lot of different reasons why we struggle with consistency, and one of the most common ones that I see is because we set our expectations way too high. You always see our go big or go home.
That mindset is one of the biggest killers of consistency. It's more harmful than it is helpful and. What I like to really emphasize with my own clients is that we can take these really small, tiny steps that help us build momentum, consistency, and longevity. Because like we said, consistency doesn't necessarily mean every day, but if there's longevity and momentum and once a week we're doing this new routine.
Well, we're gonna see results over time, and that's really what's gonna build your habit. It's not that you did it one time, it's that you've been doing it over and over again. And the second most common killer of consistency is not having a proper plan in place, because without a plan, you lack direction and you don't know where you're going.
You don't know what steps you need to get there. So then how can you be consistent when you don't have this direction, this plan, And one of the things you mentioned with your workout routine is that you're consistent with it because you prioritize it. And one of the basic things, the foundational things that I teach, when we're creating your action plan for your new habit, your new routine is to start with a feeling.
How do you wanna feel when you're creating that life? By design? How do you wanna feel? And what's so crazy is when you start to build this foundation of feeling, you recognize that, hey, it's not just a workout that helps me feel strong. It's actually making sure that I am drinking enough water and I'm eating the right foods, and my mental health is is really strong as well.
I feel strength in a lot of different areas of my life, not just because I can. Shoulder press 30 pounds over my head. So you really start to recognize that strength shows up in different ways. And guess what? Even though we didn't go to the gym every single day, we still felt strong because we prioritized feeling strong every single day.
And so, That's really the root or the start of your plan, and that's what can help you build that. And then the third reason I feel like people struggle with consistency that I really wanna share is because a lot of people lack discipline. And if you said this to me like maybe six years ago, I would've rolled my eyes maybe longer, I would've rolled my eyes.
I would've just kind of maybe fast forwarded or you know, skipped over this podcast episode. I get it. It used to be me for sure, and I understand that discipline is one of those kind of scary words for a lot of people. However, if you really understand what discipline means, you will see that discipline equals freedom in your life.
And again, you might. You might be thinking, how on earth does discipline equal freedom? But it's because we're building intentional habits and with the right habits and the right plan and discipline for the things that make you feel strong, capable, confident, amazing, refreshed, calm, whatever your word is.
When you have discipline with that feeling, you can create consistency in your life. And what that life is, is now your life by design. And that life could be that life of freedom that you're looking for, that life of confidence, that life of strength, that empowered life. And like, like we mentioned earlier in this episode, if you're just going through the motions, that's living your life by default, and one day you're gonna wake up and think, Hey, how come I don't have options?
How come I don't have freedom? It's because you didn't put that plan in place. And you can do that now, even if you're waking up today and thinking, oh no, I've been doing that for the last however many years of my life. Uhoh, well, guess what? This is your sign. This is your wake up call. This is your, your clue from the universe.
This conversation with Katie and I is. Your wake up call. It's your invitation we'll call it.
KH: Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I hope everyone feels called out, but, but it called out in a good way. 'cause sometimes it's like you're not, I'm realizing like you're not ready to hear something until you're ready. You can listen to this episode, not even think twice about it.
But if you're in a, like the space and position to like really hear that. It can change your life. So if that totally encourage anyone listening to this, like if it really tugs at your heartstrings, like take action. That's like, that's the biggest thing. 'cause I think, we'll a lot of us will like get really into like self-development and like we get really excited and then we build this, like these habits in our head that we're like, okay, well I'm gonna do this and then I'm gonna do this.
It's not necessarily sustain sustainable. And it's like we try to like go like a hundred percent. We're like, okay, I'm gonna change everything about my life. And it really like, I would love for you to talk about like why it's important to like kind of focus on little areas rather than just trying to like make over your life in one day and try to like.
Keep that consistency. 'cause I think that's when we're not able to create those sustainable habits might work out for a week and then we just kind of fall off. So how can we create more sustainable habits and build consistency?
[16:37] Creating Sustainable Habits to Build More Consistency
VL: Loaded question, but it's a valid question. It's very valid. And truthfully, the key word here is sustainable.
So if you can think of some of the daily routines that you have, that you've been consistent with, and maybe if you're comfortable, Katie, you can share something that you do every day, day without fail, and we can maybe, Kind of dissect that a little bit. Are you into it? Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah. So what's something that you're really proud of that you have going on in your daily life?
What's a routine or a habit that you have?
KH: The first thing that came to my mind was taking my vitamins, taking my like pills in the morning because that was something that I used to really struggle with. Okay. But now I'm like, every single day I take them without fail.
VL: Amazing. Okay. And this is a pretty, I would say, small habit, but it's part of your larger morning routine.
And I feel like morning routines are where people get really caught up in, there's lots of buzz about morning routines and waking up at 5:00 AM and all these magical things happen when you do all these things in the morning, and it's not very realistic. So there's a couple things that I wanna highlight.
One of them is, is this life overhaul something that you designed or something that someone else designed? Because if you're following a list of. An influencer's habits that you saw. They're like, oh, they have this really cool life, and they do A, B, C every morning. Well, I should do A, B, C every morning, and it takes two hours to do this whole routine, and then you maybe do it one time.
And that's it. And then you're like, oh, that sucked. There's a couple reasons why it may have sucked. One, it's two hours and maybe you don't even have two hours in your day. So now you're not only creating a routine with three new things that you've never done before in your life, but you now have to wake up an additional hour and a half earlier than you normally do.
And that's now gonna adjust your evening routine and the rest of your day. So like, timing is a big, is a big block for a lot of people. The other thing is that those habits, those a, b, C habits, we'll call them, they don't mean anything to you. They don't make you feel your feeling word. They don't make you feel confident, they don't make you feel strong, they don't make you feel calm.
So why are you doing them? Just because someone else is doing them? And then that's going to be a big. Part of your consistency or your sustainability part of me. And when I work with clients, whether that's for the first time or we're stacking on a new habit or building a new habit, I always wanna know what current routines and rituals are working.
Because the things that are working have these clues. You've probably heard success leaves clues. So with your supplement habit, why is it working now? Versus before, why wasn't it working before? What clue can we uncover there?
KH: Amazing. Okay. And this is a pretty, I would say, small habit, but it's part of your larger morning routine.
And I feel like morning routines are where people get really caught up in, there's lots of buzz about morning routines and waking up at 5:00 AM and all these magical things happen when you do all these things in the morning, and it's not very realistic. So there's a couple things that I wanna highlight.
One of them is, is this life overhaul something that you designed or something that someone else designed? Because if you're following a list of. An influencer's habits that you saw. They're like, oh, they have this really cool life, and they do A, B, C every morning. Well, I should do A, B, C every morning, and it takes two hours to do this whole routine, and then you maybe do it one time.
And that's it. And then you're like, oh, that sucked. There's a couple reasons why it may have sucked. One, it's two hours and maybe you don't even have two hours in your day. So now you're not only creating a routine with three new things that you've never done before in your life, but you now have to wake up an additional hour and a half earlier than you normally do.
And that's now gonna adjust your evening routine and the rest of your day. So like, timing is a big, is a big block for a lot of people. The other thing is that those habits, those a, b, C habits, we'll call them, they don't mean anything to you. They don't make you feel your feeling word. They don't make you feel confident, they don't make you feel strong, they don't make you feel calm.
So why are you doing them? Just because someone else is doing them? And then that's going to be a big. Part of your consistency or your sustainability part of me. And when I work with clients, whether that's for the first time or we're stacking on a new habit or building a new habit, I always wanna know what current routines and rituals are working.
Because the things that are working have these clues. You've probably heard success leaves clues. So with your supplement habit, why is it working now? Versus before, why wasn't it working before? What clue can we uncover there?
I think maybe I didn't like have a consistent time that I was taking it at, or like I wasn't able to prioritize it 'cause I wasn't consistent with whatever time I was taking it. I think also, like I didn't see any benefits. Taking it. And I think another thing wa that, sorry, I'm like realizing all the things that weren't working before.
And I think that also it was, I wasn't
thinking about like, The long-term benefits of it. I wasn't seeing the short-term benefits, but I also wasn't like realizing what the long-term benefits would be.
VL: Mm-hmm. When it, when it comes to supplements in particular, and this is. A very fitting pun, or not pun, but example like everyone wants the magic pill, right?
Everyone wants the magic formula that helps them change in instantly, and that's not really how anything works. Unfortunately, we've been told a lot of things that aren't necessarily true. So when it comes to. The habit of taking supplements. Yeah, you're gonna notice something more long-term. And I used to have a pretty consistent supplement routine that has changed over time, but I always said I noticed it more when I didn't take my supplements, and that's actually what really helped me with my consistency with that.
Now for you, you talked about time, and this is another one of those obstacles where we need to really understand the time. So what gets measured is what gets moved or what gets time blocked is what gets done. And so, What's cool about your supplements is that they come in, let's say there's a, a jar of 60 of them, and within 60 days you are done.
So you've actually measured how many supplements or how many days you've done this based off of how many supplements you have left. And so it's already automatically being measured. The other thing is that I said is that what gets in your, what you put in your calendar is what gets done or what gets put in your, your It gets time blocked.
Pardon me? So if you actually say, I'm gonna take my supplements every morning right after I make myself a cup of coffee, then you will know that when you are drinking your coffee, you're also taking your supplements. Because this is the other thing. Maybe your morning beverage, your tea, your coffee, or water, whatever it is, maybe that's already consistent and then you can build on that.
Whereas if you just say, yeah, I'd like to take supplements every day. Okay, when are you gonna take them? Oh, well, I don't know. And then all of a sudden the day goes by and you go, oh, I didn't take my supplements. Oh, I'm not supposed to take them right before bed. Ooh, I didn't plan this. And so you start to see, you start to observe.
The different things that are not working in your routine. So like I said, if you can see the success you have with other behaviors and systems in your life, it'll tell you so much about what works for you. And I wanna emphasize, again, it's you. It's not me, it's not the influencer I. It's not the coworker you see every day, it's you.
And so one of the ways you can build those sustainable habits is to start with what's already working, whether that's the priority that you've now set, whether that's knowing that okay, the long-term goal is there, or whether that's the existing routine that you can stack this new habit on.
KH: Oh, that's so good.
There's so many things that are like popping in my head. I was like, oh, I wanna talk about this. I wanna talk about this. So. So I can like make sure I stay on the path that I'm wanting to go on. I would love for you to talk a little bit more about like why. A lot of us, you said something like the magic pill, like we want like instant results.
'cause I think we live in a time where we get instant gratification. So we have a question, we Google it, it gives us the answer. Or we see all of these, like people like having, they're like overnight successes. But what we don't see is like the behind the scenes, the struggles. Like we just see like, oh, they start.
They started here and now they're here. We don't like, a lot of us want that like instant result and when. I was telling you like I didn't see the long-term benefits and I love that you said when you were had your supplement routine, you were like, the days that you didn't take it was when you like noticed the benefit of how you were feeling.
So I would love for you to talk about like why it's important for us to kind of like reconfigure our brains when it comes to thinking about that instant gratification and why consistency is so, so important. To like having those long-term results.
[24:07] Transformation comes from Longevity in a Growth Mindset
VL: Yeah. I mean, this is the thing when you recognize that living a life by design is not a one time, we set up our design, this is our life, this is what's happening.
The real longevity, the real change, the real transformation comes when you never stop improving. Because if you have a growth mindset, you are recognizing that every day is an opportunity. Every conversation is an opportunity. Every new person you meet, every new course you take every, like I said, every single day, there's this opportunity for growth to be better.
If, if I ask my 16 year old self, what do you wanna be when you grow up? I probably would've told you I wanted to be a civil engineer or a fashion designer, or what else did I wanna be in high school? I wanted to be, ugh, just so many different things that I'm not now, basically. So I'm 32 now, and I don't wanna be a civil engineer or a fashion designer, even though I like clothes and I appreciate good roads, construction, and bridges.
I don't wanna do those things anymore. And. That's something that we have to recognize is that change is really the only constant in our lives. I'm sure that at one point you're not gonna be taking the supplements that you're taking. Does that mean you shouldn't take the supplements today? No. It means that this is where you're at in your life right now.
This is the, the life design that you've created. This is what you body needs in this moment. Maybe a year from now, you'll take a different supplement or you'll try something new that's gonna support your body, because again, it comes down to that foundational feeling. It's not really the action. It's not really the behavior.
The behavior and the actions they bring us to that feeling, because that's where the magic happens, is when we're in action. And yes, we can find these tools that support us through that feeling. Now, unfortunately, or fortunately, Social media, the internet, this society that we live in, they've really created this environment for us that is instant gratification.
And they're doing this because everybody wants our attention all the time. So much so that we now have these shorter attention spans. So every single day there's a new ad, there's a new video, there's a new something that's grabbing your attention and the. Especially the social media apps, they know exactly how to get you to make a habit out of checking your Instagram, checking your TikTok, whatever.
Whatever you're on right now. That's because they understand the habit loop. They know that there is a cue, a craving, a response, and a reward. So the cue is your notification. Oh, you got a notification. That's your cue to now open your Instagram app. The craving is that you wanna see what's on Instagram.
You wanna see the cool life that people are living. You wanna see the travel. You wanna see the cute little puppies that make you laugh every day. You want those things you crave. That dopamine. Then the response is the habit. I check my Instagram. That's the actual motion and the reward is that dopamine hit.
Now we want this every single day, not every single day, but throughout the day, every single day. And rewiring your brain is, it can be very challenging, and this is why consistency can be very challenging when we are already. Stuck in these old habits or these current habits that we have. And like I said, the internet, our technology, it knows exactly how to hook us.
It knows exactly how to keep us coming back. It does this on purpose. Even the design to refresh your feed on Instagram, that pull down design is actually because of. The, the same as when you're at a casino and you pull the lever to, to cycle through. I don't even know, I don't gamble, but you know, those numbers on the, on the, the casino, the slot machine is what I'm trying to say.
So again, they know human behavior. They understand that. And so really what I, you know, you could say, what I do is I, I try to hack those things. I try to hack that behavior. And I do it in a way that's supportive to you. I'm not saying don't go on Instagram. That's how I connected with you, Katie. Come on.
We can't, we can't not, we can't not have these things in our life, but we can create boundaries. We can start our day not checking our phone and having those slow dopamine mornings where we're not. Getting hit with dopamine right away and then all of a sudden wanting it and craving it throughout the day.
So a habit that I'm currently working on is I don't check my phone for an hour in the morning. I don't go on technology for one hour. This is really challenging for me 'cause I'm already stuck in that habit loop of checking my phone, checking my emails, whatever it is. And so, When I'm consistent with this, I notice that I go on my phone so much less throughout the day just because I didn't start the day with that.
And, you know, I do other things. I kind of distract myself in the beginning. I unload the dishwasher, I make breakfast. I, I write pen to paper, what I wanna work on today. I go for a walk. I water the flowers. I literally do anything except look at a screen and. I've built a morning routine to help me do that and out of the, the fact or the priority that I didn't wanna be on my phone.
So the sustainability. Am I answering your question so far? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Should I keep going? This is a big, this is a big question. So, In terms of creating sustainable habits that build consistency, I feel like they really go hand in hand when it comes to consistency and sustainability. It's like, okay, well something that's sustainable is more likely to be more consistent.
A small habit is more likely to be repeated because it was easy to do. Right. It's not hard to check your Instagram. That's why people do it so much. It's so easy. So how can you make your habit easier? One of the examples that I share I had a client who wants to read more books and I said, okay, start with two pages a day.
And she went no, I don't wanna do that. And I'm like, okay, when did you buy this book? She said she bought it 30 days ago, and I'm like, okay, so you could have been on page 60, but you're not because you didn't start with something small. And she thinks it's insignificant. She thinks it's meaningless. And I get that two pages.
What's the point? The thing is, is that more often than not, you're gonna read more than two pages that day. However, there are gonna be some days where you only read two pages, and that's okay. That's enough. The minimum, the bare minimum is enough because that's what's sustainable. If you say, I wanna read a chapter a day and you're not doing it, that's not sustainable.
Time to pair back. And one of the things that I really like to encourage people when they're starting something new is that you're in this experimentation phase. Like have fun, be flexible, try things on, try things out. Do you wanna take your supplement? Sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll start this. Do you My phone's on do not disturb.
How did this happen? That shouldn't happen. Okay. Do you wanna take your supplements? At nighttime, then keep your supplements beside your bed. If you wanna take your supplements in the morning with your breakfast, then keep your supplements in the kitchen so you can find all these different ways, like see what works, try things on experiment, as I said.
And I think that's really gonna help you with the sustainability as well as the consistency. And then in terms of that rewiring, you know, it, it takes time. I, I don't know what else to say other than it does take time and unfortunately, Those magic pill ideas are out there because that's what grabs our attention.
That's the craving and the cue that we want. That's a reward that we're searching for. So how can you make your new habits more rewarding? How can you make them more enticing? How can you make them more easy to do? Tho. And how can you make them more obvious to do, right? Like literally put your supplements in front of your face.
When you wake up in the morning, you're going to take them or you're gonna see them. But if they're tucked away in a drawer, it's not gonna be happening. So that was long-winded, but hope that answered your question.
KH: Yes, it definitely answered my question. And there were so many things that you touched on.
I was like, yes, yes, yes. One thing that you've mentioned a couple times that I would love for you talk to talk more about is the feeling, like having that feeling because I think a lot of people either like have the feeling but not don't know how to create habits that can support that, or they don't think they have the feeling.
Or they don't like, recognize that they have this feeling that they wanna change things. So can you talk more about the feeling to create a more like dream life for yourself or, yeah. Like, Or I guess like the pain, the feeling of like the pain point. Like, Ugh, why do I keep doing this? I'd love for you to talk more about that.
[33:06] Feeling of the Pain Point
VL: Ooh. The feeling of the pain point. You got some great questions here today. Okay. So like I said, the feeling is pretty much the foundation of what I teach people. This is like my bread and butter. Okay. So we'll say it like that. The feeling is so important and we always start with feeling how do you want to feel?
Now, sometimes people come to me and they go, Val, I don't know how I wanna feel, and that's okay. So something you can do to help you understand how you wanna feel is you can ask yourself, how do you not wanna feel and write out all of the things that you don't wanna feel anymore? Maybe it's frustrated, maybe tired.
Maybe it's sad, maybe it's annoyed, maybe it's angry, maybe. You know what I mean? There's so many things. You can write this whole list and then go through that list, and what's the opposite word for you? Because what's interesting when we start to do this, especially when I do my group coaching work, is that we might have a few people in the group that have the same word, maybe they both have confidence as their word.
And for me, confidence means being comfortable in my own skin. It means being able to show up as whoever I am today, whoever I feel like today. Sometimes I'm a hundred percent and 10% energetic and ex inspired and I'm ready and sometimes I'm only 90%, but I still show up and that to me is confidence. Now, the person next to me in the group might say, oh, for me, confidence is wearing whatever I want on.
My body is feeling good in the clothes that I wear. And I could say, oh yeah, that, that would make me feel confident too, if I'm wearing something good. But it's a different definition. And so this is why one of the, this is why the feeling word is so important is because it's not only how you wanna feel, but what that feeling means for you.
You've written out your list of how you don't wanna feel. You've thought of some words of the opposite of that, and then maybe you can choose from there. Now, let's say you tried that. You're still not resonating with a word. You know, you're like, oh, you know, those are okay. Happy, yeah, confident. Okay, I need something more.
I need more Z. So another practice you can do is you can do a visualization or a meditation, you know, close your eyes. Imagine yourself lying your head down at night. Thinking of your most perfect day. You just had the best day ever. It was so incredible. For all of these reasons, go through the day. What did you eat?
How did you wake up? What did you wear? Who did you see? Who did you interact with? What did you, what did you do all day? And as you start to, you know, design this dream day for yourself, what are some of the things that you felt throughout that day? And maybe you come up with one or two feeling words that really inspire you or motivate you in that moment.
And the other thing I wanna mention is that the feeling word doesn't have to be the word for the rest of your life. Some people want their feeling word today. Some people want their feeling word for this week, for this month, for this year, whatever. Maybe I have two feeling words. I have purpose, joyful and strong right now.
Now that changes sometimes, and that's okay. But those are the three main ones that I'm kind of focusing on. I would say today, purposeful is more of the word that I wanna connect to based off of how I woke up this morning, I. How I would like to continue to stay. And then you said pain point. Okay. So you've got the foundation of your feeling word, but those pain points, can you be a little bit more specific in like, maybe as an example of a pain point or what's the, what's the struggle here?
KH: so I remember a couple years ago, I was so annoyed with myself that I was tired all the time and I was like, Why am I tired all the time? And then I started thinking about it. I was like, well, I don't have a consistent bedtime. Or I, I also don't like set my alarm, so I'm like going to bed when I feel like it and waking up when I feel like it.
And that there was no consistency in that. And so I was having the pain point of being like, well, why am I still tired if I don't set my bedtime and I don't set my wake up time? And so that was like the pain point that led me to start setting alarm for the mornings and then, Making sure I was in bed by 9:45 every night.
I didn't have to be asleep. But I wanted to be in bed.
[37:26] Addicted to the Bad Habits
VL: Yeah. That's great. That's great. And it, I think it goes back to a lot of that awareness. So like, clearly you're very good at this. You're very good at bringing awareness to your environment, to yourself, to how you feel, to what you wanna feel.
And unfortunately, when we don't have that growth mindset, when we don't cultivate that awareness, what happens is we're going through the motions. We're living the life by default, and unfortunately, we're addicted to bad habits in our lives. Things like complaining, we don't really wanna change, we just wanna complain about how upset we are about our lives.
And unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are stuck in this mindset and there's good news and bad news with that. The good news is, is that they can definitely change. I've seen a lot of transformation in my life. The not so great news is that it's gonna only be up to them. So maybe you have someone in your life that you're thinking of who's always complaining the best thing that you can do.
Is focus on yourself. So if we can bring awareness to how we feel to our day, and I do this with my group coaching and my one-on-one coaching clients, I, we do habit audit. So when we first work together, we go through all of your routines, we go through all of your habits and all. It's very telling. It's very telling.
I know exactly what your future's gonna be like when I know your habits. I joke that this is my crystal ball, but it's really just a habit audit. And I think that's a really big wake up call for a lot of people. 'cause you can say, I'm gonna complain every single day about not feeling energetic. I'm complaining about feeling tired every day, and I can feel like this for the rest of my life or for the next year or five years if I continue to do this.
But if I make one small change to help me go to bed earlier and wake up at a at a more consistent time, and if that's 9 45 in bed, It doesn't matter what you're doing, you're in your bed, then that is gonna help you create consistency with your bedtime routine. And over time it's gonna help you have a better quality sleep, which is going to give you more energy so you're not waking up tired.
And there are so many ways that that specific habit expands quality. Sleep is like one of my favorite habits for myself. And also to, to encourage people to cultivate because it. Multiplies that habit starts to move into the energy that you have to now make healthier choices like going to the gym or grabbing a high protein snack versus a high sugar snack, and all of these different things then start to working together.
When you work out more, you drink more water. When you drink more water, you have better digestion. When you have better digestion, you probably sleep better too. And then it's like this cycle and this, this expansion in your life. And so when you see those people who have said, this is my two hour morning routine, it's changed my life.
Well, guess what? They probably only started with one thing that then either multiplied into two pages a day, turned into 10 pages, turned into one chapter, or that habit then multiplied or it either grew. Or multiplied to other areas of their life, and now they have this incredible morning routine that they've lived this life by design, so, Don't beat yourself up and you're like, oh my God, I'm so tired.
Why am I so tired? That's a question. Get curious. Bring awareness to your situation. Why are you feeling tired? I have an aura ring, which tells me all about my sleep score. Tells me about my readiness and my activity score. My aura ring knows that on Tuesdays and Thursdays I get up really early and not in a good way.
I teach at my Pilate studio at 7:00 AM and. Some people might think, oh, 7:00 AM that's late in the day. It's really early for my body and my, my AA ring knows that, and I know that Tuesdays and Thursdays are tougher days for me. And so even though I love my clients, I love my schedule. I love how I've set this up.
I am very, I have, I. Really strong boundaries around my Monday and Wednesday nights of when I have to be in bed, I make sure that my clothes are out in the morning so that I can sleep into the very last minute before having to get up that early, because I've brought awareness to that. So instead of complaining about, oh, I'm so tired on Tuesday, I set myself up for success in the best way.
And that's because I have this awareness around it. Just like, just like you shared. And it's super powerful.
KH: Yeah. And you've gotta be committed to that awareness. 'cause I, I love that you said people just are okay with complaining and I like it. I feel myself or I find myself complaining and then I'm like, okay, I have to take action to change this.
'cause I'm like, I'm getting sick of myself complaining. So yeah. That's, that's so important. And I think even for people that are like allergic to structure or routine That can even be like a telling sign like that something in your life has gotta change. Mm-hmm. Like even doing one small thing can change the way that you're feeling.
So I, ugh. I love this conversation so much. And time is flying by too. So. I would love to ask you a couple more questions before we wrap up, but how can consistency help us with our mental health? Because I think that is like such, such a like motivation to start creating more consistency in our life because it can do wonders for our mental health.
[42:44] Consistency for Mental Health
VL: Yeah, mental health habits are like some of the most powerful tools or powerful practices that you can have because like I said, it's that ripple effect into other areas of your life. Like I am a differ person when I meditate consistently. So when it comes to mental health, I like to talk about the. You may have heard of this or talk about this, the mental health toolkit.
So we all have different types of toolkits. And I'm not talking about the ones with the hammer and the Phillips head screwdriver them, even though you might have those too. But I'm real referring to that mental health toolkit with the habits and the practices like meditation, mindfulness. Breath work, movement, therapy, supportive friends, community, like there are probably so many different tapping.
I know people are really into tapping right now, certain podcasts that they like to listen to, like they all can support your mental health, and I know that I can speak for myself when I say that. My mental health is most balanced and most manageable when I have a few key habits that I'm consistent with, and one of those is definitely quality sleep at night.
Also, moving my body when I have those two things when I have quality sleep and movement. My life and my routines and my energy, my mental health baseline is great. Anything else? A meditation, a couple mindful breaths. All of that is just extra supportive for me in that time of my life or in that season of my life.
I pull from that mental health toolkit as I need to. So everyone's got their baseline, what helps them, what supports them every day, and then what are the other things that we can kind of layer into that? So what I like to say is that, you know, just like the seasons of life, There are gonna be seasons of change, seasons of highs and lows in your life.
And so you might not need every single tool in your toolkit at one time, but if you know that you have these things and you have that consistent baseline, then you'll be able to layer on when you know, maybe there's an anniversary that is really challenging for your heart. And so, you know, in those times of grief, you can.
Incorporate more meditation or you can spend more time with, with supportive friends who really hold space for you. Or maybe you say, Hey, can we do two therapy sessions this week instead of just the the regular one? And I think really, I. Understanding that, again, it doesn't have to mean every single day.
You don't need to see your therapist every single day. You can still get support, you can still do mindful breathing. You can still do all of these other things that help you with your mental health and help you feel consistent in the way that makes the most sense to you. And, and what's really cool about consistency is that.
It gets easier as you start to see the progress. So when you start to see the results, that becomes the craving of wanting more. I wanna breathe more, I wanna slow down more, I wanna meditate more. Because you're getting the, you're getting the results. And one of the things I really like to encourage, it seems very, you know, habits one-on-one is track your habit.
So if, if it's meditate, like. I'm just gonna use mental health in general so we can use any tool. Your goal for the month is mental health. You're gonna focus on one thing a day. You have your toolkit. So on day one, maybe today it's meditation day two, it's breath work. Day three, you have therapy. Day four, you see your friends, and then you are now creating consistency.
Even though you've done something different every single day or every week, you did something a little different, but it was with the intention. For your mental health and for the people who, like you said, I like that. Allergic to structure, that was me. What you need to recognize is that habits are part of our life, whether you realize it or not, whether you wanna.
Create that discipline, that structure their routine or not. And I think a lot of people get stuck with thinking, oh, habits have to be the same every day. I have to do this boring stuff every single day, blah, blah, blah. No, you don't. And trust me, what I say, I would never want you to do that. I never want you to live the same day over and over again.
That's not what this is about. It's about intention. It's about creating your life by design. It's about feeling good in your body. It's about being able to show up as the best version of you that day. The best version of you isn't the most perfect version of you. It's just the best version of you today.
And so the habits that I like to cultivate with my clients in my, in my coaching programs is what's the freedom we can create? What question can we ask ourself every day? I. To help us get to where we wanna be. It's not necessarily the routine. Great. The routine is helpful, but how do I wanna feel this morning?
So today I don't have a ton of things going on in my calendar. I've got this podcast episode, which I'm very excited for, and then I have a bunch of like administrative work, you know, that I've been pushing off. But I should probably do 'cause I have the time today. And so today when I woke up, I'm like, how do I wanna feel?
I wanna feel purposeful. I wanna feel like I have made an impact in somebody's life. Whoever's listening to this episode today, I wanna show up as the best version I can today. I told Katie before we recorded, I'm not feeling 110%, but I'm giving you my, all right, now, I'm giving you all that I have right now.
And I've purposefully only scheduled this in my calendar because, I did sort of know that my energy is limited at this time, and so I'm really being mindful about where I'm putting my energy and who I'm spending my time with. And so this, again, is that boundary. It's that awareness, it's that intention and that feeling behind what we're doing.
I don't have a podcast episode with you tomorrow. That doesn't mean that I can't feel purposeful or find purpose in the day, or, or, or help someone find their purpose. And so again, like it's just, Rewriting the definitions, rewriting the script, bringing awareness to where you're at, and then building on from there.
KH: Mm-hmm. Oh, that's so good. And it, I think that ties perfectly into confidence because we decide we're in control of our actions and our thoughts, like no one else is telling us what to do. We are the ones that decide. So my last question for you is how can consistency help us with confidence? I know we've kind of touched on it throughout this interview, but I'd love for you to just talk about confidence and consistency and why they're important.
[49:27] Consistency in Confidence + Why It’s Important
VL: Definitely. So I like to describe confidence as a muscle, and I know people are like, wait, what? So. Basically what this means is that confidence is just not something that you take the magic pill for, or you wake up one day, you're feeling confident. It's because. It's something we need to train. It's something we need to strengthen, and we need to take courageous action to build our confidence.
Now again, confidence looks different to each of us. We all have our own definition of it. We all feel confident in different environments, in different clothing, in different settings, around different people, and so on and so forth. So if we wanna see results with our confidence, if we want to have more confidence, In ourselves, in our work, in our relationships, we need to practice it consistently.
One of the things that I started this year was, I have my own podcast, but I would love to be a guest on other people's podcasts. That freaked me out. Can you believe it? That scared me. And so what I did was I did a little research and I looked at all these different podcasts where I thought, Hmm, I really love this guest.
I love their their voice. I love how they share. I love their mission and their vision for their podcast. And I would write, I would write it down or I'd save it, and then I'd download some episodes and then over time, I started listening to more and more podcast episodes. I started researching more of the, the hosts of the show, and eventually I mustered up the courage and the confidence through, you know, for me, what helped me was doing the research in advance to then ask all these different guests or all these different hosts part of me so that I could be a guest on their show.
And Katie, you are one of those people that I found that I was like, oh, this would be such a great fit in my opinion. Now, this was really scary for me because I haven't really done this. If I'm on a podcast, it's usually someone found me and they're asking me, which is like delightful, and I feel so nice about that.
But this was a leap out of my comfort zone and I. Because I actually did this every single week for like weeks on end. As I was finding more podcast episodes and podcasts hosts to connect with, I was building that confidence. And now if you're like, oh, I think you'd be great for this podcast, Val, you should reach out to so-and-so, I'd be like, yeah, for sure.
Let's do it. I'm not afraid of doing that anymore at all. In fact, it excites me, but a few months ago, I was terrified. Like I was probably just like shaking, typing out that DMM too. Yeah, but it's because I was consistent with that. That specific behavior of, you know, building my confidence of asking, and not everybody said, yes, I've actually got ghosted by a lot of people.
Maybe I should circle back to those. But I'm not afraid to circle back and say, Hey, I wanted to let you know that, you know, I listened to this episode, or whatever it is, right? Whatever the conversation is, you've gotta put yourself out there and you've gotta be, you know, you've gotta be ready for the nos, for the maybes, for the yeses, for the, the yeses are scary too.
A lot of people are afraid of failure, but really success is scary too. So, yeah, I would just say, Consistency is important with your confidence because your confidence is a muscle and you've gotta build it, you've gotta practice it. And as you've said numerous times today, it's all about taking action.
And really in terms of confidence, it's that courageous action. What would make you feel confident? Do that. Do that small thing as often as you can.
KH: Ugh, so good. So good. Well, I think that is a great way to end this interview. I just thank you for giving me what you had today. I know some, some days it's tough, but I really appreciate you showing up and being pur purposeful and intentional with our conversation.
And I can't, I could keep talking to you, but I know that we both are like, we've got some things to do today. So, but I, I really appreciate it and. I just wanna thank you for what you do and helping people create more sustainable habits in their lives and really become the most confident version of them themselves.
'cause it differs from person to person. So I think this is gonna be a great interview for everyone to listen to and I hope everyone has enjoyed it. But before we close out, I would love to give you an opportunity to share where people can find you if they wanna work with you or follow you. 'cause I like instantly have followed you on all the platforms.
VL: Thank you so much. This has been so great and I want to mirror what you said. I really appreciate all the things that you do, how you show up, how you are. This incredible podcast host and soon to be the most incredible Mama. I'm so excited for you. And yeah, so you can find me. I'm on YouTube, Instagram's.
Sometimes on TikTok, it's @vallavignelife, and I'm very transparent online, so you can pretty much find me there. My website is valerie levine life.com. I love to say hello. I love to know what you're working on. If you found this podcast episode helpful, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Maybe what you took away or what you're gonna take courageous action on.
Just have a conversation. I don't bite. I'm in the dms.
KH: So, and you also have a podcast, right?
VL: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I have a podcast. It's, it's all there too. So my podcast is called Women's Empowerment Podcast, and you can either listen to it on Spotify and Apple, or you can watch the show Now, that's new on YouTube.
KH: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I have a podcast. It's, it's all there too. So my podcast is called Women's Empowerment Podcast, and you can either listen to it on Spotify and Apple, or you can watch the show Now, that's new on YouTube.
So, mm-hmm.
Very cool. Well, thank you Valerie. I appreciate it and I, I'm so glad that we've connected and I'm glad that you courageously reached out to me and now we have a great relationship to go. So I really appreciate you and I love this interview so much. So thanks everyone for listening. If you love this episode, please share it.
And if you wanna hear from more incredible guests, just like Valerie, please take a few minutes to rate this podcast, write a review and subscribe, and I'll see you in the next one.
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